“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.