A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
You Might Also Like
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Cndnsd Mlk
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.