Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
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Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.