[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I have a type: disappointing
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Body by cheese-puffs.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.