Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did