My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
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Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Holy moly
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.