[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.