Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
You Might Also Like
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…