my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.