Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.