I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
You Might Also Like
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Pot warmers of the day.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?