Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
He’s dead
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.