After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)