Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size