Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
You Might Also Like
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes