I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson