“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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and now we wait
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I think about this a lot
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.