Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
giddy up Office Depot
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.