Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
my one true gender
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Ah..makes sense now
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
live, laugh, laundry.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.