Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.