Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out