I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.