I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol