I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I get distracted pretty eas
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.