Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You Might Also Like
The morning after pill, but for tweets
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
#MeanwhileinCanada
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I never needed anything more in my life
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place