*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I love you…
…r dog.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.