what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I saw nothing
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank