Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy