A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.