why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.