Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
So that’s what we looked like?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead