Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?