Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
You Might Also Like
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle