[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.