Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.