I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.