My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!