Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.