In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
#StillHurts
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Something Saturday.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.