[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
You Might Also Like
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle