no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism