I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
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Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Can’t, holding a grudge
TODAY
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.