Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.