If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
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Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Very good! 👍😂
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.