You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
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[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like