I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Hmm, not sure about this change
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!