Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.