KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face