can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
You Might Also Like
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Finished stitching this today 😇
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!