On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
You Might Also Like
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My what?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil